Tuesday, August 12, 2008

The First Annual Where are they now Super Heroes and Villians Edition!

Every year millions of dorks and geeks dress up from Comic Cons and Cosplays alike. Before you read any further I need to point out that yes I am a dork, and yes I do own Star Wars costumes. I do not however try to pull off slave Leia, why you ask? Well because I am not 8 percent body fat and weight 90 pounds. Yes I cover up my normal shaped figure with cloaks and gloves when i get dressed up, and I am okay with that. I am also okay with poking fun at people who clearly looked in the mirror that morning at their well constructed costumes and though one of two things:

A) Damn I look good
B) Im fat and I know it, but people will like me because I make them laugh

I assume most people who appear below thought the later, but either way, their images are up for grabs and all over the webernet so i am taking advantage and roasting them if you will, in my version of:

"Your favorite Super Heroes and Villains: Where are they now."

In case anyone was wondering what happened to your favorite Mexican Midget Green power Ranger he is in fact alive and well! Sanchez works as a plumbers assistant in San Jose California, and although he does not fight evil aliens anymore he does spend his weekends at local car shows showing off the sweet hydraulics system in his new Slug Zord.

Space Ghost always had a fantastic physique even when appearing behind his late night talk show desk. Unfortunately after a rough patch with his wife and a tough divorce space ghost developed a horrible eating disorder and ballooned to 300 pounds, he now works for the famous Geek Squad fixing your local computers and really enjoys the freedom that comes with having your own company car, even if it is a Volkswagen Beetle.

Was anyone else wondering what ever happened to Mary Jane after Peter Parker left her for the hot blond Gwen Stacey? Well, unfortunately Mary Jane ended up dating her second cousin Henry (we always knew she was kind of white trash didn't we) and getting knocked up, twice! With another baby on the way Mary Jane's singing career is left on hold, but she has her play dates with Britney Spears to look forward to!

It's hard to live up to the image of a villain who is literally made up of skin and bones isn't it? Poor Skeletor, After He-Man got that sweet Gym Teaching gig he hasn't had much to do but laze around Snake Mountain. They say it was the 3 gallons of cookie dough ice cream that sent him into that last diabetic coma, and his gay lover Chad was no where to be found, is it just that a once skeletal and now obese gay Super villain can't get a break?

He shoots electric lightning bolts from his eyes... to heat up his morning pop-tarts.

Many of you did not know that Mistique and Night Crawler once had a one night stand that resulted in a pregnancy(yes I know they are related, but that's beside the point). Now you might also not know that mutants already have gene deficiencies and they should really not be procreating because when they do, boy does that gene pool come up dry. Meet Nelson, the mentally challenged deaf baby of the mutant couple. Don't worry though he will have a sweet job collecting carts at his local grocery store once he's old enough.

I don't know about you but Leeloo was always my favorite female super heroine. It's just really sad that her and Korben Dallas had to have so many kids, after seven your body just loses all of it's elasticity. That outfit will never fit the same will it? Not only that but did you hear she was in a horrible motorcycle accident? Well the road rash left her face forever flawed as well as addicted to several powerful pain killers, you are in our prayers Leeloo.

Gambit now fights crime for the XXL Men, the X-Men team for the big boned and Zoftig Super Hero.

Tiny from battle of the planets isn't so tiny anymore, he now runs his local chapter of DND AA, for DND addicts to receive help for those long thirty straight hour battles between dwarfs and pixies that have plus five mana against magic missiles. If he could only bring healthy snacks to the meetings instead of Cheetos and Mountain Dew.

A big 65th Happy Birthday wish goes out to our favorite ninja super heroine, Elektra!

Shorty after retiring from tomb raiding Laura decided to take up several relaxing hobbies including knitting, soduku, and collecting porcelain cats, she doesn't mind the extra 50 pounds she's put on because now she can fit into all those sweaters she loves to knit so much. That didn't stop her form wearing her old duds at Comic Con though.

Speed Racer no longer races, but he does enjoy running the local kiddie go kart rides in his home town or Springfield Wyoming. Now that he doesn't have to fit into that sweet speed suit he can enjoy the finer things in life, like miller light and baby back ribs.

The entire Batman villain crew has just seemed to let it go, the joker has since become a truck driver, we all saw his fantastic skills at driving in the movie, but all that sitting has given him quiet the ponch. Poison ivy although 45 years old still finds time to visit Gotham, she teaches jazzercise to the elderly at the Gotham Nursing home.

After torturing the crew of BSG with her army of cylons six went on to become a fantastic preschool teacher, she is a bit strict but the kids love that about her, and don't mention her beer gut, she's very sensitive about that, it's actually from eating several of her pupils who misbehaved.

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