Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Dane Cook loves good Photoshop!

From Dane Cook via his official blog:

Here are a few things that truly blow about my upcoming movie poster to promote the release of the film opening on September 19th:

1. Graphics: Whoever photoshopped our poster must have done so at taser point with3 minutes to fulfill their hostage takers deranged obligations. They should have called Donnie Hoyle and had him give a tutorial using "You Suck at Photoshop" templates. This is so glossy it makes Entertainment Weekly look wooden.

2. My head: The left side of my face seems to be melting off of my skull. I guess I am looking directly into the Ark of the Covenant? Are they going for the bells palsy thing here? My left side looks like Brittany Spears' vagina.

3. The Stare: My character apparently has fallen in love with a strand of Kate Hudsons hair. Kate's mannequin is desperately in love with the inside of my right ear while Jason is half stunned, half corsage.

4. Lips: It looks like I'm wearing Maybelline Water Shine Diamonds Liquid Lipstick. My characters name is now Winter Solstice and I'm a hooker with a heart of gold. Jason is my floral carrying pimp, while Kate is my first trick!

5. Fashion: My character is sporting a very high collar I mean damn they should be snow capped at that altitude. It's going for the vampire lurking in the castle basement vibe. An Olympic pole vaulter would have a tough go clearing that collar. I'm also able to turn my head comfortably 180 degrees, because I was raised in an abandoned barn by a family of owls.

6. Flesh: It's no secret that I'm more rugged facially due to a drunken visit by the teen acne fairy, but according to this poster I've got perfect porcelain flesh. I look like the fuckin' bathroom floor at Caesars Palace. One of Marie Osmond's dolls would look at me and say "shit … that guys got flawless skin!"

7. Hair: It's actually a close up shot of Tom Sellecks Magnum P.I. mustache they photo-slapped on my noggin'.

8. The set: Pick one. This entire film takes place:
A. on Gattaca B. at the Fortress of Solitude C. inside a crystal wind chime

9. The cast: Alec Baldwin is so fucking funny in this movie! Is he on the poster? I think so. He plays the wise talking plant Jason is clutching.

10. Final thoughts: I set out to make a movie like the contemporary men and women, that you and I respect, are making. My generation of comedians, actors, directors and producers that I wish to collaborate with as I build a solid body of work.
PS - Its funny what love can make you do." I just threw up all over this awful poster.Wow, wait … it looks better. Hey … I love my new movie. Jeez … it IS funny what love can make you do.

I fucking love Dane Cook.
via Perez

1 comment:

  1. HAHAHAHA omg. what a great way to start my morning. I heart Dane Cook.