Snarky comments? Check.
Grading based on strict requirements? Check!
There's some stiff competition for a perfect 5 out of 5 score... but here's a sampler:
This is what I found for you. There are Goths, there is a tree, there’s an old guy dressed as what I assume is supposed to be Santa. We’re all seated/sitting around a giant chair which makes Santa look like a tiny elf man. My favourite Goth is the one with the hair in plaits. (Edit: there seems to be some confusion as to which one with the hair in plaits I like, it’s the one sitting on the couch, fool.) Very cute. I want to give them a Christmas hug and offer them a clove cigarette if they’d GET THE FUCK OFF THEIR BUMS AND JUMP UP THAT MOTHER FUCKING CHRISTMAS TREE. Please.